Tue 23 Aug 2011
I don’t usually get political and ranty here, but this post has me all riled up. It’s a continuing theme that has emerged so many times that it’s time to talk about it. So here I am, mounting my soap box.
The fact that I am a feminist does not mean that I cannot be a woman.
I have a right to be girly. I have a right to be butch. I have a right to wear long skirts and high heeled shoes, makeup and fake eyelashes if I want. I have a right not to.
Every time a feminist undermines another woman’s right to be herself, she pulls the rug from under her own cause. She tears down the very foundations of the ideals that she is proclaiming. She says to be a feminist – but for God’s sake don’t be girly. Be a woman, by pretending to be a man.
You know what? That’s not enough for me. That’s not what my grandmothers and my mother and my sisters in feminism fought for. They fought for the right to exist, as we are, and to be treated as equals. And that applies whether or not you choose to wield pointy sticks and bake cupcakes.
Twice my spinning group was hosted by a very nice woman who did not spin. Twice she made loud comments about not being “domestic.” But the way she said it, she meant domesticated, in that particularly sneering way that comes from a certain type of feminist when discussing those of us who choose to create beauty, meaning, and physical representations of love through our craft. I bit my tongue out of politeness and turned my cheek to her ignorance. But let me tell you, no one in that room was domesticated. Domesticated is for cats, not for women (and even cats defy the term).
More than half of the women in that particular group hold advanced degrees in science and technology. Or law. One is an editor. Most of us are highly educated and career-oriented. All of us are brilliant women who are smart enough to know that what you do with your spare time has nothing to do with whether or not you command respect.
And I think that that is more powerful. I think it means more to be able to do what you choose without caring how others will see it. To me, it is time to relinquish the old aggressive feminism that defines us by what we are not, in favor of the progressive feminism that allows us to be who we are.
We are women. We are leaders. We are successful, and we are determined to have a career, on our own terms. We might also wear skirts and bake cupcakes. Or maybe we wear a burqa. Or studded leather. Doesn’t really matter, does it?
We are soft, gentle and caring, and we’re tough as nails. We make peace when we can, trouble when we must, and we raise hell when we know it’s time to shout. We love and nurture our men  and our families, while protecting our selves and demanding that our own needs be met. We refuse to live our lives in fear of how we will be perceived, and instead we spend them pursuing whatever interests strike our fancy.
I do not believe that forcing women to be aggressive, testosterone-happy brutes advances the cause of feminism in any way. I think it puts us back 50 years. Being a stereotypical feminist is no better than being a stereotypical housewife. You are still defining yourself on someone else’s terms.
I don’t find that acceptable.
Defining yourself by the stereotypes that you do not fill will never free you from them. You have to be brave enough to be who you are, on your own terms. Appearances be damned.
So let’s stop this, right now. Let’s get over this undermining of women by other women in the name of liberation. Let’s stop for a second and think about what we say we’re fighting for – the right to be heard, the right to pursue our dreams and opportunities, and the fundamental prerogative to do that in whatever way we see fit.
And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go knit.
I could not have said it better myself. My mother said I was born a feminist, but I’ve always loved yarn and fabric and all the things one can do with them. As a baby boomer, I was often one of the few girls in math and science classes. And, yes, I have advanced degrees in both statistics and linguistics — and I knit, quilt, and bake. I don’t cook — not because there is anything “domesticated” about it, but because I’m not very good at it and my husband loves to cook and whips up some really good stuff.
I always think it is sad when someone has to pump themselves up by attempting to put others down. In the meantime, we’ll keep doing what we love.
You go, girl!
Well said!
I grew up on a farm where there was no women’s work, no men’s work, just work and you were to get off your butt and do it.
Yes, yes, YES! Sing it, sister. I just got an email from a friend who said that my spinning sounded “homey”. I still haven’t responded, because I’m just not sure how to convey what I think of that statement. When did testosterone become the hallmark of success? And don’t we think the world would be a better place if everyone spent some time making things with their hands and sharing those things with the people they love – hormone balance and genitalia complement be damned? How did shooting a gun, hot-wiring a car, and manipulating one’s way into a bomb shelter become marks of successful humanity? I completely agree with you that until women stop pulling one another down (and I’ve faced it from both sides – from one side for being a “domestic” knitting/spinner/cook, and from the other for abandoning my children to be raised by someone else while I work) and start realizing that there are many ways to walk through this world, we will get nowhere.
Off to spin until my blood pressure comes down enough for me to leave a sane comment on that other blog.
I completely agree! 🙂
Very well written. I like my women to be tough AND have that soft side that nurtures me and makes me safe when I’ve had my ass kicked at school or work. Strength is knowledge of when to use force and when another way is required. Stay strong, (and soft) your husband will thank you for it.
Great post! I wonder why your hostess is hosting if she doesn’t spin and apparently considers that “domestic”? That’s just weird.
Ah, I wish it were so easy as to rally the troops to be who we are and pursue things that interest us, without regard for historical stereotypes attached to those activities. I think the problem of women sniping at each other is so much bigger, with root causes in insecurity and media portrayal and antiquated ways of thinking that are slow to die. All interrelated, and so, so harmful.
Well said!
When I first read that article (before you posted here, actually), I found so many things wrong with it, but your statement, “She says to be a feminist – but for God’s sake don’t be girly. Be a woman, by pretending to be a man,” pretty much sums it up. And the sentiment sets my blood boiling! Despite the advances of the last few decades, my field–architecture–is still pretty much a man’s world. Sure, there are more and more women in school, but it doesn’t seem to hold through in the office–where even vendors and suppliers assume that if you are a woman, you must be an interior designer (something else that sets me on edge). And when you go out to the construction site–almost entirely men. And those men don’t care if you knit when you go home or bake or wear frilly dresses (not advisable on site for safety/mess reasons!). They care if you know what you are doing. I don’t apologize for knitting or baking or sewing or doing anything else that might be ‘feminine’ because I shouldn’t have to.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a (knit) blog post to work on…
great post… In my most respectful and humble male opinion: all too often feminism seems to get translated into a liberation of the masculine in women as opposed to an empowerment of feminine energy… In this massively patriarchal society, we are all forced to approach life from an intensely “make-money-kill” viewpoint so much so that it is taboo for females to enjoy their womanly virtues and also has them denouncing chivalry as mere pandering and condescension from males. I am well aware of and applaud a woman’s ability to kick ass in the world as well as any man but I absolutely cherish the awesome gentle creative and sometimes scary power that is the feminine.
It is the Ocean, it is Nature… It is what creates life as well as destroys in order to clear the way for growth. To negate these qualities is to be duped my the male establishment.
Came here from Jocelyn’s at knitting linguist. Yours is the best-written statement on the subject of feminism I have ever come across. Thank you thank you thank you.